Never The Hero, Always The Zero

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 05:16:53 GMT

Figured I'd do this again, for shits. I dunno.

My Life's Soundtrack!

Opening credits: The Good Left Undone - Rise Against

Waking up: Oooh Ahhh (My Life Be Like) - Grits

Average day: Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

First date: She Is Beautiful - Andrew WK

Falling in love: Strange And Beautiful - Aqualung

Sex / Love scene: Heaven Coming Down - The Tea Party

Fight scene: Perfect Insanity - Disturbed

Breaking up: Putting Holes In Happiness - Marilyn Manson

Getting back together: Like The Angel - Rise Against

Secret love: Time (featuring She Wants Revenge) - Timbaland

Life's okay: Big Casino - Jimmy Eat World

Mental breakdown: Doomsayer (The Beginning Of the End) - Darkest Hour

Driving: Orange Crush - R.E.M.

Learning a lesson: Losing My Religion - R.E.M.

Deep thought: Map Of The Problematique - Muse

Flashback: Right Where It Belongs - Nine Inch Nails

Partying: What Is Love - Haddaway (lol)

Happy dance: Mortal Kombat Techno - ?

Regreting: Running Up That Hill - Placebo

Long night alone: Set Fire To The Third Bar - Snow Patrol ft. Martha Wainright

Death scene: Seein' Red - Unwritten Law

Closing credits: Unbound (The Wild Ride) - Avenged Sevenfold

Step UP!

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:56:18 GMT

Wow. I usually don't like those kind of movies. At all. They usually just look like an hour and a half long advertisement for Jay-Z's new song and T-Mobile or something, but this was actually good. Saw some white guy rip it to Breaking Benjamin, points to Hollywood for tossing a different kind of music into the mix.

And now..Low. Because I can't stop listening to it. -_-'

Shorty had them apple-bottom jeans, the boots with the fur,
the whole club, lookin' at herrr.
She hit the floor! Next thing you know,
shorty got low, low low.

Them baggy sweat pants,
and the reeboks with the straps,
she turned around,
and gave that big booty a slap!
She hit the floor! Next thing you know,
shorty got low, low low!

Damn you, T Pain, you catchy bastard.

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 07:14:48 GMT

She's gone.

I am seriously considering ending my life.

Phantoms

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 05:24:15 GMT

Ghosts of Christmas fucking past.

Every time I convince myself I'm finally okay, that I'm stable, something, anything, tips me back to where I was.

It's just phases, that are getting easier and easier to get through. I'm not taking it out on Katie anymore..it's not her fault. It was instict..a bad decision, but it wasn't mine to make. The wrong thing to do, yeah, but it's not my mistake.

And yet I feel guilty for it. I can't figure out why. I've come to terms with it. No more brash anger, no more..anger, I guess. But the pain is still there. The hurt. The disbelief.

I don't know. I thought I could express myself before, but I'm not so sure anymore. I have a hard time telling her how I feel when I'm down. It's hard to explain a black pit where nothing but depression escapes.

Depressing. It's depressing talking about depression. The more I think about how I'm being affected, the lower I get. I reach a point where I hit the bottom of the pit then claw my way back up for a while. A few weeks, a month, 2 tops. Then I fall in again.

How do I escape this?

I feel terrible that most my posts recently have only been at peak low emotional times. There's been so so much good lately, but this journal is only showing the bad.

Things are good between me and Katie. Amazing. The fact that she can stand me still blows my mind, but it makes me that much more grateful that she's around. That she's here for me. It helps me sleep at night.

But it's good. She's good, she makes me good. She makes my life good. She makes trying worth it. She makes me worth something to myself, which is..amazing. No one has ever given me that, not even Jess.

And for that..I can never give her enough. I want to give her everything she's ever wanted. Just because she's given me everything I need. Even if I'm falling, she keeps me stable.

But I'm out for now. I'll be posting more often, I keep missing things that are important day to day.

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 04:32:24 GMT

It's been three weeks since I last posted..Three weeks since she told me about the time she fucked a faceless guy in a nameless place in a meaningless way.

Three weeks since I sat there and listened while my head screamed "STOP FUCKING TELLING ME THIS SHIT! IT'S KILLING ME! YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING ME WITH EVERY GODDAMN WORD YOU TELL ME!"

If only I'd said that. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much. But I didn't, so it does. It eats away at me, haunting my mind with pictures I haven't seen and memories that aren't mine.

I make it up from what I know, what she said..

It doesn't help. There's no closure. It's life's way of bitchslapping me and saying "Fucking deal."

But I can't deal. It hurts. It fucking kills me, constantly, to the point where I just want to stop eating, stop sleeping, and just waste away so it won't hurt me so much anymore.

She doesn't know. She doesn't know anything about Jess. She goes by in blissful ignorance because she doesn't know. And when there's a chance she might know, she gets angry and blocks it out, because ignorance is a fucking bliss.

If only I'd been so fucking lucky.

Shit

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 07:05:05 GMT

I don't really know what to write. I thought I updated this a lot more than I have, but I guess it was just shit in my head I wanted to write, but never did.

Shit.

Well I got a new phone. Fuck the Chocolate. They blow. Motorola Razr. Yes, I know it's a step down the technological ladder, but whatever. The Chocolate is like testing a game that's not even close to finished, and freezes up right before every save point. The Razr is like an old game you enjoyed the first time and decided to play over.

Me and Katie are still happily dating, and, as unbelievable as this is, are in love.

I'm the first person she's ever felt an emotional connection with, and we compliment each other very well, according to most that have met us.

And I'm happy that I make her feel that way, because she makes me feel incredible, and I'm grateful to have to the opportunity to return that feeling to her.

I want to write.

But I honestly don't know what I want to write about. I've got so many fucking problems with everything, I don't know where to start, or end.

With each issue, there's a fire..

And every small fire fuels a much larger fire that is my will to fight. And every time I fail, it's extinguished one small fire at a time.

I don't know how much fire I have left. I don't even know where I should go from here. Where I am, right now, is where I should be. But where do I go from here?

I don't know.

Running up THAT hill

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 08:12:31 GMT

"And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get him to swap our places." Running Up That Hill - Placebo

This song makes me wonder about the people I care about, and how sometimes I wish I could take their place. Like when they take a bullet, when something hurts them so bad they can't even talk about it.

I'm used to it. I can take it.

"It doesn't hurt me.
You want to feel how it feels?
You want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
You want to hear about the deal that I'm making?"

These people, however, do not know that I am used to it. And they don't know that I can take it.

Would they care, even if they did?

I'm a creative writer. I creatively cut a line across my forehead and let all the guts inside spill out in narrative form, using words like conscience, faith, and pain to paint a pretty picture in your head while you read this. I use words because I can't just paint the goddamn picture.

So now I'll use those words.

I have no conscience. I feel pity for bad things I do, but I don't know if it's genuine, or what I was brainwashed into thinking by my misconception of faith. I put my soul in the hands of corrupt people, and made the mistake of stealing it back. The things I've witnessed with my eyes have destroyed what little innocence I thought I had a firm grasp on, and now my ideals from the past have come back to make me question everything I think I've learned.

The people I have "grown up" with these last few years with have been nothing but painful memories I want to block the FUCK out.

When and if anyone reads this, if you're one of the few fucking people out there, that make the effort to read this..

You are the ones that made the time bearable.

I'm going to keep looking ahead.

So about today..

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:45:42 GMT

It's been a good week. I've seen Katie everyday, luckily. Some days it was chance and unlikely that we'd see each other, but lone behold.

I feel so...complete around her. Like my life's where it should be. Something I've never really felt before, it's why I've lived the way I have for the last four years.

Today, we started talking about things...the past, and stuff..and she was telling me about some terrible things that she's had to go through. And then she started to cry. And it was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

I know how emotionally weak I am. I almost cried knowing that someone as strong as her breaks down too.

So I sat there, and I held her, and calmed her down while she cried into my shoulder. I don't think she's ever clung to anyone like that before. I'm not saying it in a complaining way, just saying it to put it out there..

We talked about everything, why we are the way we are, why we need to get away from all this perfect suburban Stepford-Wives-like-neighborhood bullshit..why we need each other, really.

I'm scared. I'm falling hard for this girl, for the second time. We're both making the effort. She's the only girl that's ever really made the effort for me. I'm almost worried she's too perfect. The thing is, the both of us are so completely flawed in so many ways, but because of the fact that we are fucked up, that makes us good for each other. She's perfect to me, even though everyone else can see everything wrong with us..I don't care. Not when I'm with her.

This is one of those nights where all I do is think..

She won't be back til Sunday, I'll count the hours til then.

Out.

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:11:21 GMT

So sunday was Trev's paintball tournament.

I was bored as hell watching them, they did alright, I guess. They needed to play more as a team.

Then we played some Big Team Elimination afterwards with excess paint, and I used this kid Chris' Proto Promaster with a board upgrade..

OH MY GOD. I was shooting 16/BPS, and Trev was only shooting 8/BPS. I was fucking OWNING with that gun, I ran out of paint so many times.

It fucking rocked. Then after a solid day of paintballing and fucking my knee up more than it already is, I run to the store, buy two dozen roses, and pick Katie up from work, where she blushes and laughs for about 5 minutes while I explain why I bought them for her and how, lol.

It was a good day.

Then today she came over around noon, I asked her out (again, lol) and she said yes :). So I am now happily redating Katie :D

Fucking word. And with that, I am thoroughly tired from a day of awesome sex and fast food dinners.

So, interesting couple of days..

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:45:02 GMT

Update and a half here :D

So Katie tells me about how she's going to be housesitting for her supervisor wednesday-saturday, and I thought wow, cool, lucky her.

Then she tells me about a party she's having there Wednesday. Of course I say yes, party's a party. So I go over and there's a few friends around, some good tunes playing, bong getting passed around, beers out, the usual. So everyone starts leaving except one kid, and Katie's drunk, and I'm high, she reaches over and starts making out with me (fucking rocked :D lol) and the kid comes back he's like uh..she's like "Yeah, so you need to leave so he can take advantage of the fact that I'm drunk."

Which I found hilarious, cause he actually left, so we were up..late, doing..things. Slept most of Thursday away. So we clean up from the party and from us (lol) and the apartments all nice, then I took her to work and I realized I never got the music off her computer I needed, so I told her I'd pick her up from work too and then get the music and then head home. So work goes by, I run some stupid errands, then go pick her up, we go back to the apartment and I get the music and everything, everything's good, like we were going out again, so I asked her out..

And she said not yet. :\

Which kinda sucks, but it's not being turned down, so I'm going to wait, and hope that one day soon she'll say yes. Anyways, she's like "Well, it's a long trip and if you "happened" to fall asleep here..I wouldn't tell." and that made me laugh, so I ended up staying there last night too.

She's awesome. :)

Headstrong

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 23:09:01 GMT

Circling your head
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got a doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out
See you later

I see your fantasy
You wanna make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads, yeah, well now that's over
I see your motives inside
Decisions to hide

Julia dumped me last saturday. I can't say I didn't see it coming, I just refused to believe it. I realized the only girl I voluntarily pushed away was the one I would've been and still would be better off with. I'm going to get her back.

I feel like if I say that she was being immature, I'd be a hypocrite, because compared to some of the older people I used to (kind of) write with, such as Tyler or Jess (sorry, you guys are the only examples I can really think of :S), I'm probably very immature, making stupid decisions based on what I think I want, when to someone older with more life experience would make a very different choice for very different reasons.

But because I am still only 17, I'm going to bitch and rant in my journal. I don't have to be completely mature yet. :)

She's a cunt. Haha. Even during the time we were going out I found myself wondering if it was worth it, even though she made me happy. She's had a few bad experiences, but mostly things go her way, or else she pouts til they do. I guess that's the good part of being an attractive upper middle class girl. Even though I knew she'd always had (and probably always will) things handed to her on a silver platter, I still tried to give her more than that, make myself seem better, impress her. She always said I didn't need to, but obviously I did, because the second I stopped trying, things went wrong.

Fights, broken promises, ignored calls, etc. Nothing I haven't been through before. But this time I made a genuine effort to be someone I'm not just to impress this girl, and totally change who I am to be with her, and yet she still declared when she dumped me that "even though you always said you cared, you never really showed it."

Never showed it? The money I earned working, I used on her. Voluntarily, yes, but still it's the thought. I'd constantly be moving shifts around and cutting corners with friends to make time for her, even though if it came down to it she chose her friends over me, constantly. I'm not saying I ditched my friends, because I refuse to do that, for anyone. I just cut back.

The times when she was upset and being a giant bitch, I had to sit there and take it. If I showed any signs of a backbone, that would irritate her even more and she'd be mad at me. Near the end, my friends helped me realize I shouldn't be backing down from anyone. So I told her to stop being a bitch, and that's when she decided it was over. But she let it draw out a few days before telling me.

But shit happens, for a reason. This will lead to me meeting someone else who might be the person I can say makes me happy unconditionally, not happy one minute and depressed the next.

I can't give everything away
I won't give everything away....

I'm a fucking idiot.

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 06:30:22 GMT

She did it because she loves me, not because she wanted to. She was willing to do whatever it took to make me happy, including sex, even if she wasn't ready.

Just for me.

To make me happy. But I was thinking of other things, blind to what is only now obvious.

Fuck.

I pray to God tomorrow passes by quickly..I need to tell her I get it. Why she did what she did, why she reacted that way..

Fuck.

Drama

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 20:09:42 GMT

So much drama.

It's fucking rediculous.

Some jackass ex boyfriend is standing in the way of me making Julia happy.

Fuck.

Well

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 14:16:45 GMT

After sleeping on it, nothings changed. I still feel the same way about her, more so maybe than I did. I was just annoyed at myself for letting it happen.

Fuck. And now she's grounded and God knows when I can see her again.

Fuck.

Wow, what a night

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 01:44:46 GMT

Alright...here's a post. So me and Julia hung out today.

Then tonight we hung out and she got drunk..well we both did but she was realy really drunk and bad at covering it.

And she told me stories. Stories I wish I hadn't heard. I don't know how I feel about her anymore. I told her I think I'm in love with ehr at the movies this afternoon, but after tonight...

Who am I kidding. I still do feel the same way.. it just hurts to know I could be one of those stories.

Holy Fuck.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 04:52:57 GMT

This girl is absolutely unbelievable..like..Today I went to her friend Victoria's to hang out with her, and she was holding my hand and sitting on my lap and just..amazing.

Anyways we all hung out ate dinner, yadda yadda. Went for ice cream. date stuff. Then we got back to Vic's house, watched some movies, and her other friend Sarah left. Victoria ended up falling asleep and I was just lying there holding Julia, my arms were around her holding her close..wow I never felt so needed, so..right.

This girl is everything I've dreamed of, and more. I hope I'm with her for a long, long time.

HOLY HELL

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 23:57:44 GMT

I asked out Juliaaaa last night.

And she said yesssssssss.

And I smiled for literally hours. Then she called me and I continued to smile the entire time we were on the phone. And thennn....I slept.

Not much, but I slept. Then school, where I got to see Julia again <3. The plus of dating someone from your school is you get to see them all the time. :)

So we hung out during third break and decided to sit outside for a bit and go late to class, so we were sitting there talking and playing our lift-the-other-persons-backpack-for-a-point game..

Don't ask. Then she's like "fine so you can't pull my bag anymore.." and grabbed my hand and wow I almost fell over I can't believe I'm actually dating her like she's literally a dream come true. Anyways, we walked around the halls a bit, and I felt like I should kiss her, but in front of the office didn't seem quite right? lol, so I didn't. But I will.

Soon. She makes me so happy, it's awesome. Glad I FINALLY found a girl at that school that isn't fucked in the head.

Still can't wait til tomorrow night. =D

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 20:57:13 GMT

Alright well this was a fucking good weekend. Actually, two in a row. Last weekend was Iceland with Trev, which was fuckin sick even though I waterlogged the Shorty's deck I bought off him :\, so I've been skating my old camo Black Label deck for the week, but it's so bulky and wide, I didn't really like it. I dunno. Anyways, so this friday rolls around and Sam (Berbuff girl, kinda chatty :S) asked me to this grad party on Friday. So I was like yeah, sure. I went to the mall and picked up this sick camoflauge Zoo York hat and t-shirt, then I tried to buy a Zoo York deck but didn't have enough money. Then Jason the owner re rang it up for me with a nice 10 dollar discount, which was just enough for me to buy it, which is fucking PIMP. I love this deck. Anyways, Me and trev chill and did some waterfalls, got chewed.

Then I left, go to Sam's got fucking trashed, then went and hit 2 chutes and a pipe in this tiny ass civic and other shit.

Surprises this saved...:S

I realized I see Sam as just a friend and that's all it will ever be. I let her down in a bad way (something came up and I don't think we can date -sigh-), but..it was kind of worth it.

Because, this thursday I have a date with Julia.

Can you say holy shit? The kind of girl I thought I'd never get. popular, cute, funny, major hottie.

Granted, she is a bit younger than me but so what? I can't believe I got this chance though, lol.

Can't wait til thursday. I'm definately asking her out like..steady. Weird to find someone else who makes me happy like "she" did.

Shells.

Thu, 24 May 2007 05:10:55 GMT

I just realized...When you see someone you knew very personally after not seeing them for a very long time, and you know them well enough to know what's going on inside them, emotionally, mentally, it's scary to think of them in the way you knew them.

You see the shell of the person, then you see who you knew and it's haunting.

Two completely different people.

Depressing? Yes. You miss the person you knew.

Um...

Mon, 14 May 2007 00:30:03 GMT

I'm not sure where I am right now.

Well, that's stupid, I know where I am, I don't know where my mind is.

Six months later, things haven't changed. I'm a worse person now than I was before.

I am low, degenerate.

Every day is just another day, meaningless. Nothing to look forward to.

Lazy Eye

Mon, 07 May 2007 00:02:34 GMT

Good weekend. Sort of. Stuck working a seven and a six, which is so shit on a weekend, but whatever. Went skating with trev friday night, and last night, got high, munched out, had a good fucking time. And that's what it's all about.

Landscaping fucking rocks, spent all friday pouring concrete in the courtyard, good time. Tiring, but fun. Might go chill with Jeff and Katie this week. Crazy fucking couple.

Still no word on my shit. Whatever. I'm caring less and less.

At least I got my board.

FUCKING COCKSUCKERS

Tue, 01 May 2007 03:26:00 GMT

Some cocksucking dickhead stole my backpack from work. it was an 80 dollar bag with 800 dollars worth of electronic equipment in it, including an iPod Nano 8 Gig RED, a PSP, a bunch of games, and my clothing.

Who the fuck does this?

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 02:52:40 GMT

Hm. I need to spend so much money on upgrading this phone. 1 gig card here, USB cable there..

On top of my monthly payment, this is gonna be like a 300 dollar investment, and i could've just bought the damn phone for that, pay as you go.

But then I wouldn't have my bitchin text plan.

...Meh.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 04:42:11 GMT

Money is good.

New phone (mmm...Chocolate. LG <3), new board (not necessary, but very good).

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 03:01:08 GMT

After reading the posts from 2004 (my freshman year), I now realize why my friends were so fucked up and why no one I wanted to hang out with really wanted to chill with me.

I was a fucking douchebag back then. I was just like the freshman from this year.

Ugh. That's so depressing..